Expectations..

Everyone expects me to be sumthing I'm not.. I can't be perfect.. Everything demands every part of me that I'm not.. I change for the sake of everything.. I feel like I'm trapped in my a shell.. I can't get out but I have to live with it.. So many damn things.. A gal I shall not name, fought with me for sum petty shit.. Oh come on la.. Like she's so perfect.. She has a so called 'boyfriend' and yet flirts.. Coz of her, my fren is avoiding him (she was really close frens with her 'boyfren').. My fren's reason, I dun want her to hate me and I dun want him to get in trouble with her again. I find it so unfair to him.. Coz of the gal i shall not name, she doesn't want to talk to him.. and the worse part bout it.. They were best frens since they were small and after bout 7 years they got to in contact again and started to talk to each other again den now dis.. Haiz.. And I'm finding all my seniors all to be so demanding.. COME ON LA!! No matter how hard we try we're still not gud enough.. And they said not to gossip behind their backs, when I tell them wat i thought bout them, they bombed me back.. Damn la!! Stupid rite? Haiz. But wat can I do, their my seniors..

Besides that, I found out that 2 of my close frens talked behind me back.. At least one of them came and told me the truth and asked for forgiveness, but I guess the other one doesn't really care.. But to tell u the truth, I'm not excatly suprised by dis.. I adi expected to be betrayed not by them but by sumone la.. And one of my close fren, I guess he's too busy with his gf or sum other stuff, but I'm actually avoiding him and kinda pissed off at him..I dun even think he noticed it.. I guess I'm tat unimportant that its not really bothering him.. PERFECT AIN'T IT? I'm almost invinsible to him in school.. Well whether he actually notices me or not I still feel tat way around him in school.. So invinsible, so unimportant..

ARGH!!!! I'll write bout the other stuff 2moro.. No mood.. I really feel like I'm breaking into a million pieces..

Signing off,
`-LaInA BaNaNa-` = n grrrrrr

Stuff tats bugging me..

1st thing
My dad went back into the hospital again on thursday I think (i have things with when it happened).. He had dengue.. Weirdness.. I thought I would get it b4 he did coz more mosquitos bit me.. I guess coz he's immune system is not as strong as mine la since he just had a heart attack at the beginning of the month.. He is going to be discharged 2moro afternoon.. So that's gud..

2nd thing
The next thing that's bugging me is the stupid monthly test.. Damn scared I can't answer alot of the questions.. Damn la!! I have to spend the end of my holidays studying.. STUPID SIAL!!! And I really dun get circles!!! ARGH!! The stupid formula's and crap dun wanna go into my brain!!! And sejarah is like only half going in!!! DAMN LA!! And I haven't even touched other subjects..

3rd thing
I keep getting scolding from everyone... Yish-ness betul!!!! Damn freaking geram!! I never do anything I kena scolding, I do also kena!!! YISH!!!! Like everything I do also is sumhow wrong... Nothing I do is right... ARGH!!!!

4th thing
I dunno whether to trust HIM anymore.. I trust my best fren Kat more than him, I actually trust Kat more than my other frens... But could he have changed for the better and is actually truthfully being nice?? Damn la!!! So confused... I'm afraid he's just a player, not to say that I'm actually saying that he is... I'm just saying that i'm AFRAID that he is... So hard to trust guys nowadays... I really hate players and guys who plays with gals feelings for their entertainment.. And when they actually fall for them they just say oh, i dun like u, sorry or sum other crap... I got played twice and it sucked... Seriously it sux to the max to be played and actually believed that they were telling the truth...

5th thing

I have to do the prefects assignment AGAIN but now its even worse... I have to get MORE signatures... Now I have to get every seniors signature!!!! ARGH!!! More stuffs to finish up.. I hate it la... I dun get y soo leong wants to do it again... Haiz... Come on la!! We have lots of stuff to do adi la, dun la go and add sum more stuff.. Haiz.. DAMN!!! Too many things to finish up!!! ARGH!!! If we dun finish up dis assignment den we can kiss gudbye to the prefectorial board... But sum how I dun really care bout the assignment suprisingly... Haiz.. Got so much crap to buy and pay... Damn geram!!!

I guess that's all for now...

Signing off,
`-LaInA bAnAnA-` :S n grrrr.....

Afraid..

Today I found out that sumone (that I shall name HIM for the time being) kinda likes me -hints hints- .. Haha.. Kinda happy but kinda confused at the same time.. Both of us agreed that we dun want to start a relationship js yet coz of me having PMR and he having SPM this year.. I kinda like HIM and all but I'm just really scared to actually let myself fall for HIM. When I fall for sumone I fall hard... And I deal really badly with rejection.. I guess no one deals well with rejection rite? Haha.. But I'm those type where it takes a really long time to get over.. Haha... Ok I sound really fragile.. haha.. Well, I'm not really THAT FRAGILE!! But I prefer that when he tells me he actually means it and not he's saying it just so he doesn't hurt my feelings.. I feel more hurt when that happens.. Tell me straight if u dun like me.. Dun beat around the bush and tell me lies.. It just hurts even deeper after the truth is out..

I'm trying say that I'm just really afraid that he's just another guy who wants to take advantage of me.. Sum times it sooo hard to find and actually trust truthful guys.. After what happened the a certain sumone I kinda lost all trust in almost all guys... I just dun wanna be used again.. I felt so used, hurt and stupid after him!!! I'm just so afraid that it'll happen again.. Its not to say tat I dun trust HIM, its just I feel so vunerable now, so weak. I dunno how a gal like me can deserve a guy like HIM... I really wonder how.. And why would he fall for me?? There's nothing special bout me.. There are plenty of gals who are much better than me.. I feel touched but yet confused.. I really want to noe that he's REALLY feeling tat way and not just telling me that he feels that way when he doesn't, so just he doesn't hurt my feelings.. I really want HIM to reassure me that he's actually telling me the truth.. Haiz... And I'm afraid our feelings change really fast.. HAIZ!!! I guess that's just way love is.. We just gotta have faith and see what happens..

That's all for now...

Signing off,
`-LaInA bAnAnA-` =S

Trying to change...

I really HAVE to change.. I myself find myself to be irritating.. I think everyone does even my best frens.. Haiz.. I dunno lar.. I guess I'm irritating coz I try to stand out and be funny but my jokes can kinda be offending and irritating.. Haiz.. Seriously trying to change but its so hard.. Things I need to change are:

1. Stop talking behind ppl's back
2. Stop kinda being a hyporcrite.
3. Try to be more friendly to ppl I know.
4. Be more hardworking.
5. Dun rely on others when not possible
6. Learn to chill and relax in my work. I dun have to b perfect
7. Watch less tv and on9 less.
8. Stop assuming stuffs..
9. Really THINK b4 commenting bout ANYTHING!!!

I guess that's pretty much bout it.. B4 the end of dis year I'll let u noe how many I've achieved.. I'm really certain that its gonna be really hard for me to change... But if i never try I guess I'll never know rite?? Haha.. Oh ya and I found out that I'm AB positive.. I never knew what blood group I was in till recently.. Cool.. I'm a universal recipient.. Hehe... I seriously dunno how that is relevant to the topic.. Hahaha.. Well that's all for now.. Ciaoz.. Take care

Signing off,

`-LaInA bAnAnA tEnG-` =)

Crapping..

Another boring post by me.. Had nothing to do so thought I'd blog.. Suddenly into blogging coz of a fellow sumone.. -coughs- ;) Haha.. Doubt that anyone actually reads my blog but dun really care.. Haha.. As long as I've got a place to blabble and crap all I want without anyone judging me. Been kinda bored since I've arrived. Haha. Did nothing much except on9, watch tv, talk, sleep, eat and more talking and eating. Kinda bored. No one I like chatting with are on9.

I never knew being a prefect can be seriously very stressful. I did an assignment recently. The asssignment was to get all the commitee members signature. The aim of it was to get to noe ur seniors and learn patience. Sum of the seniors were kinda nice. They gave us not to hard to do tasks. But sum of the seniors gave us almost next to impossible tasks. We had to do the assignment twice. Lucky the ketua pengawas was nice and he said (after the 2nd time the assignment was due) that he doesn't want us to do the assignment again and he doesn't wanna take up to much of our time. Now the penolong ketua pengawas is asking us to do the assignment only with more ppl dis time. Almost 80 prefects signatures have to be gotten or you'll be kicked off the board. Which is kinda unfair for the gal prefects coz we js got our long skirts made on top of a 5.50 name tag that all prefects must have. I agree with him that sum of us are not meant to be prefects.

Last year I noe I didn't take my job seriously but dis year I'm trying to change. The stupid teacher kinda found out/knew we (my gang) use to miuse the bilik disiplin and lepak there plus we bring our phones and use them inside. But now I seldom even leave the class. I'm afraid I'll get fired coz of my history. Haiz. Kinda stressing. Test is on monday plus we have the assignment. Which is totally not fair. ARGH!!!!! I have to spend the hols studying. Damn!!!! I dunno y I'm taking/ everyone's taking it so seriously dis year.. Mayb coz of PMR la.. But its just a T-E-S-T!!! Damn la!!!! Early in the year adi got so much things to deal with.. Haiz.. I guess tat's all la.. Ciaoz..

Signing off,

`-LaIna BaNaNa TeNg-`

A lost and broken heart

This was my 1st poem that I ever made... Try to bear with the cacat-ness of it.. Haha..


As I shed silent tears for you,
I think of all the times I had with you,
All the fun and laughter we had,
I keep wondering whether you'll be back in my life.

Wishing and hoping you'll be back,
but wishing is wishing and
hoping will remain as hoping.
My hopes and wishes always crushed.
I think to myself what did I do wrong?

Was it me?
Was it you?
Will you ever be back?
I'm laying here looking at the stars,
Thinking that you are too.

I want you to come back,
Back into my life.
I want to have the feelings that I had with you.
I guess that maybe we were never meant to be, me and you.

Days go by, then weeks, then months and I never hear a single word from u.
Your drifting futher away from me.
And in case your were wondering you still linger in my mind.
Wondering whether your thinking about me too.

Was it fate that tore us apart?
Will fate bring us back together?
I keep wondering to myself
These questions in my head are begging for release.

Wanting to see you again, thought only for a day.
Everyday I look out the window thinking that
I might see you walking down the road.
I want to feel your warmth of my head against your chest.
And I want to see your sweet smile again though for a minute.

I feel like your already fading from my thoughts.
I don't want you to fade away.
You were my first true friend.
I'll wait forever if I have to just to see you again.

Just to once again be in your arms.
I care about you, but do you feel the same way about me?
I have cared for you all my life.
And I forever will.

Everything tat's on my mind..

Oh ya refering back to my last post.... I lead my group to victory.. No I didn't get 1st.. but at least I got 3rd which is not so bad considering I was the youngest leader there.. I couldn't have done it with my fantastic team-mates.. They really helped me alot.. Will write bout it in another post....

Newayz going back to the topic, have u every miss sum one and not miss sum one at the same time.. Its the feeling where u want to see them but at the same time u dun feel like seeing their face.. I've kinda experieced tat.. I wanted to see a guy quite badly and when I did, the feeling of excitement actually faded, and seeing him actually hurt.. And at times I was really set on talking to him and when I actually see him I dun even look at him.. I just feel really hurt looking at him and knowing our history.. I miss him but I dun really at the same time.. The feeling of uncertainty seems to be in every decision I have or am going to make...

And going to another topic... I feel really invinsible dis few days especially with her around.. Like I'm not even there.. When I actually speak up den ppl notice I'm there.. Feeling so invinsible.. Y la?!?!?! Yish-ness.. And I'm nobody compared to her.. She's smart, pretty and everyone loves hanging out with her... Haiz.. I dunno wat to do anymore.. I guess I'll stand out sum day..

I guess tat's all for now.. Nothing to rattle on about anymore..