AHHH!!

Have u ever felt that u know somethings coming and when it happens it hits you hard. Something like when u know your fish is gonna die but when it dies your like really broken up about it.. That was a metaphorically speaking.. I found out smt bout my frens that I knew was coming only when it did it kinda hit me hard.. I have no idea why, but its been kinda haunting me every since I found out that it was true... AHHH!!.. It's driving me nuts.. I even dreamt about it during my afternoon nap (yes I sleep every afternoon).. I'm happy for them of course but I never expected it... AHHHH!!! Its hard to explain the feeling.. But I was really dissapointed with both of them coz I'm quite close to them especially one of them (even asking her whether she trusts me enough to tell me things) didn't prefer telling me.. I found out from someone else before I found out from them and it was because one of my frens asked her... I MEAN COME ON!!!! I know u dun want to tell me, but I'm ur best fren and you know I support you a hundred percent eventhough we may not see eye to eye on it, but to actually keep it from me coz you were afraid of how I would react... It kinda shows how much you trust and know me.. I feel kinda insulted, but I can't really blame you coz I know everyone is entitled to their privacy... But if I were to do that to you - not telling you that something major in my life happened- wouldn't you feel like dissapointed too?? I mean we're best frens!! You've gotta trust me.... Next time, just be honest with me k?? I'll be behind u a hundred percent no matter wat.. Best Frenz For Life.. ;)

Feeling So Used..

Ya everyone says I'm a good fren... Y? Coz I alwayz give? So if one day I stop giving, I become a bad fren.. Is that it?? SERIOUSLY??? Even my best frens take advantage of me.. I've tried my best and my hardest and damn it I can't take it anymore.. I've tried to be patient... BUT COME ON!!! EVERYONE has their limits.. U've gotta know mine.. What do I get for helping u guys?? Getting left out from what u guys do (my gang)... If I do lend u my stuff, the least u can do is take care of it.. If u know that I'm very particular bout stuff, den why still do it?? Even sumone said, ur a gud listener that's why I like talking to u.. U must be kidding me rite?? One moment u do, one moment u dun.. And when I'm rite in front of u the most u say to me is "Hi, Elaina".. Am I that visible to u for that fraction of a second?? I've sat there for almost 5-10 mins not saying anything waiting for u to say smt anything, but u just ignored u... WTH??? Am I that irritating till I'm treated like dis... U dunno how it feels like being blown off, and pretending like its fine.. Do u noe that EVERY SINGLE MOMENT I'M WITH U GUYS (my gang) I JUST FEEL LIKE A BUG ON THE WALL??? SERIOUSLY?? Am I that umimportant to u guys that if I was there one second and the next I'm not, that I just went sum where else?? What if i was kidnapped or smt... Would u actually notice... I've seen how u guys just walk off and just leave me hanging there.... If I walked with u guys or not you wouldn't care.. Maybe u'll do for a second or two.. U'll say 'Where's Teng?' and sumone either doesn't answer or says dunno and it just a full stop.. U dun even bother where I am... Trying being in my shoes, where the whispering goes on around me... And even my own pet bro's dun trust me with their secrets?? What the use of being a best fren when nobody tells u anything?? I the best fren only when I do things for u guys aren't I?? If u dun need me u dun really care if I'm there or not rite?? Seriously... If I were to shift to sum other school would u even care? U might the 1st few days den u wouldn't even a damn anymore.. U KNOW WAT GUYS??!?!?!?! I really sumtimes look forward to my dad building that new hse and shifting there and as far away as possible from u guys... U DUNNO HOW MUCH HOW HURT I AM EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!! ARGH!!!! I can't take anymore!!!! I guess when I'm gone den u'll appreciate me won't u?? What if I'm gone 2moro will u appreciate me den? Think bout it.. What I've said in dis post is true isn't it? Really go and think bout it and think whether I was just crapping or its really how ur treating me.. And if that fren didnt tell u (u know who u are) would u have actually noticed?? Seriously would u have?? WOULD U HAVE GIVEN A DAMN?!?!??!

Drama..

This is totally not me to even audition for the drama what more get into a drama.. Haha.. Well, coz of Kat, I did.. Haha.. And coz of her I got in it.. The story, she got in but I didn't, but she told teacher that I was capable and so teacher asked me to come for practise's and so I was chosen.. Haha.. Now prac is on the way and its so fun.. Haha.. I play quite a small role but still important.. All roles are important no matter how small.. I play 2 roles actually.. Haha.. This is 1st time I've actually been in a drama besides church.. Hahaha... Competition is on the 2nd of April.. haha.. Teacher wants us to at least reach the finals.. Trying my best to act the best.. Hmm... Haha.. That's all I guess..

Drama..

This is totally not me to even audition for the drama what more get into a drama.. Haha.. Well, coz of Kat, I did.. Haha.. And coz of her I got in it.. The story, she got in but I didn't, but she told teacher that I was capable and so teacher asked me to come for practise's and so I was chosen.. Haha.. Now prac is on the way and its so fun.. Haha.. I play quite a small role but still important.. All roles are important no matter how small.. I play 2 roles actually.. Haha.. This is 1st time I've actually been in a drama besides church.. Hahaha... Competition is on the 2nd of April.. haha.. Teacher wants us to at least reach the finals.. Trying my best to act the best.. Hmm... Haha.. That's all I guess..



`~LaInA bAnAnA~` =)?

Expectations..

Everyone expects me to be sumthing I'm not.. I can't be perfect.. Everything demands every part of me that I'm not.. I change for the sake of everything.. I feel like I'm trapped in my a shell.. I can't get out but I have to live with it.. So many damn things.. A gal I shall not name, fought with me for sum petty shit.. Oh come on la.. Like she's so perfect.. She has a so called 'boyfriend' and yet flirts.. Coz of her, my fren is avoiding him (she was really close frens with her 'boyfren').. My fren's reason, I dun want her to hate me and I dun want him to get in trouble with her again. I find it so unfair to him.. Coz of the gal i shall not name, she doesn't want to talk to him.. and the worse part bout it.. They were best frens since they were small and after bout 7 years they got to in contact again and started to talk to each other again den now dis.. Haiz.. And I'm finding all my seniors all to be so demanding.. COME ON LA!! No matter how hard we try we're still not gud enough.. And they said not to gossip behind their backs, when I tell them wat i thought bout them, they bombed me back.. Damn la!! Stupid rite? Haiz. But wat can I do, their my seniors..

Besides that, I found out that 2 of my close frens talked behind me back.. At least one of them came and told me the truth and asked for forgiveness, but I guess the other one doesn't really care.. But to tell u the truth, I'm not excatly suprised by dis.. I adi expected to be betrayed not by them but by sumone la.. And one of my close fren, I guess he's too busy with his gf or sum other stuff, but I'm actually avoiding him and kinda pissed off at him..I dun even think he noticed it.. I guess I'm tat unimportant that its not really bothering him.. PERFECT AIN'T IT? I'm almost invinsible to him in school.. Well whether he actually notices me or not I still feel tat way around him in school.. So invinsible, so unimportant..

ARGH!!!! I'll write bout the other stuff 2moro.. No mood.. I really feel like I'm breaking into a million pieces..

Signing off,
`-LaInA BaNaNa-` = n grrrrrr

Stuff tats bugging me..

1st thing
My dad went back into the hospital again on thursday I think (i have things with when it happened).. He had dengue.. Weirdness.. I thought I would get it b4 he did coz more mosquitos bit me.. I guess coz he's immune system is not as strong as mine la since he just had a heart attack at the beginning of the month.. He is going to be discharged 2moro afternoon.. So that's gud..

2nd thing
The next thing that's bugging me is the stupid monthly test.. Damn scared I can't answer alot of the questions.. Damn la!! I have to spend the end of my holidays studying.. STUPID SIAL!!! And I really dun get circles!!! ARGH!! The stupid formula's and crap dun wanna go into my brain!!! And sejarah is like only half going in!!! DAMN LA!! And I haven't even touched other subjects..

3rd thing
I keep getting scolding from everyone... Yish-ness betul!!!! Damn freaking geram!! I never do anything I kena scolding, I do also kena!!! YISH!!!! Like everything I do also is sumhow wrong... Nothing I do is right... ARGH!!!!

4th thing
I dunno whether to trust HIM anymore.. I trust my best fren Kat more than him, I actually trust Kat more than my other frens... But could he have changed for the better and is actually truthfully being nice?? Damn la!!! So confused... I'm afraid he's just a player, not to say that I'm actually saying that he is... I'm just saying that i'm AFRAID that he is... So hard to trust guys nowadays... I really hate players and guys who plays with gals feelings for their entertainment.. And when they actually fall for them they just say oh, i dun like u, sorry or sum other crap... I got played twice and it sucked... Seriously it sux to the max to be played and actually believed that they were telling the truth...

5th thing

I have to do the prefects assignment AGAIN but now its even worse... I have to get MORE signatures... Now I have to get every seniors signature!!!! ARGH!!! More stuffs to finish up.. I hate it la... I dun get y soo leong wants to do it again... Haiz... Come on la!! We have lots of stuff to do adi la, dun la go and add sum more stuff.. Haiz.. DAMN!!! Too many things to finish up!!! ARGH!!! If we dun finish up dis assignment den we can kiss gudbye to the prefectorial board... But sum how I dun really care bout the assignment suprisingly... Haiz.. Got so much crap to buy and pay... Damn geram!!!

I guess that's all for now...

Signing off,
`-LaInA bAnAnA-` :S n grrrr.....

Afraid..

Today I found out that sumone (that I shall name HIM for the time being) kinda likes me -hints hints- .. Haha.. Kinda happy but kinda confused at the same time.. Both of us agreed that we dun want to start a relationship js yet coz of me having PMR and he having SPM this year.. I kinda like HIM and all but I'm just really scared to actually let myself fall for HIM. When I fall for sumone I fall hard... And I deal really badly with rejection.. I guess no one deals well with rejection rite? Haha.. But I'm those type where it takes a really long time to get over.. Haha... Ok I sound really fragile.. haha.. Well, I'm not really THAT FRAGILE!! But I prefer that when he tells me he actually means it and not he's saying it just so he doesn't hurt my feelings.. I feel more hurt when that happens.. Tell me straight if u dun like me.. Dun beat around the bush and tell me lies.. It just hurts even deeper after the truth is out..

I'm trying say that I'm just really afraid that he's just another guy who wants to take advantage of me.. Sum times it sooo hard to find and actually trust truthful guys.. After what happened the a certain sumone I kinda lost all trust in almost all guys... I just dun wanna be used again.. I felt so used, hurt and stupid after him!!! I'm just so afraid that it'll happen again.. Its not to say tat I dun trust HIM, its just I feel so vunerable now, so weak. I dunno how a gal like me can deserve a guy like HIM... I really wonder how.. And why would he fall for me?? There's nothing special bout me.. There are plenty of gals who are much better than me.. I feel touched but yet confused.. I really want to noe that he's REALLY feeling tat way and not just telling me that he feels that way when he doesn't, so just he doesn't hurt my feelings.. I really want HIM to reassure me that he's actually telling me the truth.. Haiz... And I'm afraid our feelings change really fast.. HAIZ!!! I guess that's just way love is.. We just gotta have faith and see what happens..

That's all for now...

Signing off,
`-LaInA bAnAnA-` =S