Am I??

Am I in love with him?
I don't wanna be.
Everyone says I am.
I can't agree nor disagree.
Because I don't know how I feel.
It shows that I am but yet why don't I know how I feel?
Hmmm..
But whatever it is..
I gotta get him and this out of my head..
I need to get down to studying!! Trials are next month!! OMG!!!!

Is It Just Too Hard..

It's almost impossible to be left alone..

I need to find a way I can get all of this out, that some how cant be channelled into anything I've tried..

I need to find a way soon!!

If I don't I'm going to do that something I promised myself I'll never do..

Just another week..

Friday : It was a really frustrating day. Friend got angry at me for taking a frens book. Still no idea why she was so pissed. And one thing that really pissed me off was she bitched about me to my other classmates but I could hear.. Girl, you really need to get some skill in bitching.. Dad kept pounding me.. Got really affected by how cold a friend had gotten.. We never talked like we use to and found out so much stuff that I didn't know about him from a friend that also just knew him.. Somehow I got the feeling like he found me boring cause everytime I talked to him, he didn't seem to wanna carry on the conversation..

Saturday : Daniel (my cousin's cousin but I just call him my cousin) and Jacyln's wedding. Went for the church wedding in the morning. The couple looked so wonderful and you could really feel the love between them. Rushed of to school after the wedding. Stayed for like 2 hours then had to rush back home to get ready for the dinner. Had a make-up artist do my hair and make-up. Was pissed because she shaved my eye-brows till it was quite thin. The lady didn't estimate the time and ended up finishing like 15 mins late. Rushed for the wedding dinner. Took loads of pics. The whole dinner was nice.. Food wasn't too bad..

Sunday: Was exhausted because of the late night yesterday. I was practically dragging my feet the whole day but the highlight was powerfun (kid's service) cause the kids were SOOOO adorable. That totally made my day. Had a nap in the afternoon and went for dinner with my family in a chinese restaurant. The "highlight" of the night was when the waiter was putting food on the table, he accidently knocked the wine glass and it spilt on me and on my food. So I smelt like wine and kept tasting wine in my food. Hated the taste and decided to change it with my mum.

Monday: I had trouble waking up because I couldn't really sleep the night before. Found out that the English Language Society (ELS) farewell was cancelled. So there went my excuse of skipping tuition. Went for BM tuition in the most sleepy state. Lucky it was rumusan week and didn't need to do much thinking. Kept falling asleep though (so were most of the class). Went back had my dinner and rushed of to Physics. Went sleep after coming back from tuition

Tuesday: Typical day at school. Went for Add Maths tuition where I terasa by what Tiong said. Didn't really wanna talk to him after that but still did. -.- . Had to wait for my mum to pick me up. Went for a last dinner with my cousin and her family from Australia. T.T. We had dinner in Crystal Crown in Port Klang. Food was nice. Celebrated my cousin's birthday in advance. Came back home and hugged my nephew and niece goodbye. T.T..

Wednesday: Had the senam-robik thing in school. The typical senam-robik thing la. Hall was packed as usual so alot of students had to stand outside the hall and do ( I was one of them). -.-' . Tried to have fun with Athirah by following them and changing the moves here and there. Started falling sick after that. Took sum pics after school with Lindy, Peng Yen and Thong Yun (the photographer). Went for Chemistry tuition in a half dead mood. Learned about Thermochemistry but couldn't really pay attention.

Thursday: Was so sick, I couldn't get up from bed. Got up around 10+ but was aching all over. Couldn't even stand up straight. I was horribly hot cause of the fever, and my throat was so sore I couldn't really speak. Came down and my dogs greeted me. They were extremely manja that day and kept climbing over me (well, at least my Rottweiler kept pushing me).. Dah la aching and sore thoart, they kept wanting me to pet them and my Rottweiler kept sitting on me preventing me from getting up. -.-' . Felt miserable the whole day. Panadol didn't really help. Mum decided to take me to the doctor so didn't go for Add Maths tuition. After seeing the doctor went to the dentist (mum's appointment which also ended with me having a VERY painful check-up). The dentist said I had two cavaties starting so he filled them in very painfully. T.T.

Friday: For the first time in my life slept for almost 12 hours. Mum forced me to study but still ended up using the comp. Had a really low sugar level till I felt light headed. Ate some cereal and 2 pieces of bread but didn't really help much. Felt faintish and was shivering. So I decided to go take a nap. Mum woke me up for dinner. Ate at my auntie's house. Came back and blogged. =)..

So that was my week...

WTF!?!?!?

Am I a flasher magnet or something?? Cant I repel them instead!!! ERGH!!! Do you know how gross and eww-ish it is!! SHIT!!!!

The first time it ever happened was when I was walking back FROM SCHOOL, yes from school still in my school uniform looking geeky as ever, and this guy on a motorcycle passed by me, stood up on this bike and pulled down his pants.. I couldn't turn away cause I HAD to face him when I crossed the road.. I was like WTF?!?!?! EWWWWW!!!! But I didn't show it on my face.. I played the pokerface thing and pretended like nothing happened and continued walking.. And I think I saw him smirk.. Seriously.. What is wrong with these people!??!!

The 2nd time was this now.. I was waiting for my mum after Physics tuition at Delta... For those of you who dun know I go to tuition alone except for like ONE fren and she by coincidence, she didn't come.. X.X.. So anyways, normally I'll wait for my mum at the corner of the junction where is quite dark but near a house so I'm normally not really too worried.. So I was standing where I usually stand, and when I looked up from my phone I saw this guy facing me in the back alley where it was really dark and he looked like he was peeing so I was like.. DUDE!! Go home or something and pee.. Disgusting bastard... Anyways, I just keep standing there and because he was in my line of view I kept seeing him pee like for a really long time and I suspected that something was wrong cause IT WAS REALLY LONG!! He just stood there with his pants down and suddenly he stepped to the side and starting to lift up his shirt with his pants still down and when I saw that, I quickly took out my phone to pretend like I was busy with it.. And when I looked up, he put on his pants so I turned away and back and when he saw that, he quickly pulled his pants down again.. I was like EFF!! NOT AGAIN!!! So I started to walk towards the shops to wait.. And from where I stood, I could still see him and he was like staying in the shadows waiting for me to pass again.. SICK BASTARD!!

What the hell is wrong with these guys?? Why can't they just go home, get a porno video or a comp and so satisfy themselves within the four walls of their house.. What thrill do they get by showing their dicks of to unsuspecting girls?? I just feel like going up to guys like them and kicking them really hard in the crotch and tell them "you like showing it of rite?, well I don't like seeing it.. and this is what I do when I dun like things"..

This guys are seriously sick their freaking head... So shove it up your own ass la.. Erghh.... Retarded and disgusting bastards...

Boredom and Fear

When boredom and fear get to you in the middle of night, you go on facebook and you do the quizzes just to distract yourself.. And that's what I did..

What Colour Best Suits Your Personality :

You are blue! You are a deep, sensitive dreamer. You are usually laid back and calm, though, like an ocean, you can kick up a good storm, too! You are probably a daydreamer, who has his/her head in the clouds. You love spending time with your friends, and probably just go with whatever they want to do (you're a go with the flow type of person, just like water!). You are emotionally inclined - unlike reds, who feel passionately and intensely, you feel things deeply and strongly. You are extremely loyal, and your friends can always count on you to be there for them. Blues are almost always very intelligent, and they strive for perfection in many areas. You may tend to beat yourself up for your imperfections. Other people admire you and strive to be like you, but you probably have a hard time understanding why. You can be light and fun at times, and other times deep and introverted. It just depends on your mood. Sometimes you throw people off with your random changes in disposition, but your friends love you anyways. You can be a very wise, intellectual person, but you have to pull yourself up out of your own thoughts first! You, in a nutshell: Deep, emotional, wise, loyal, slightly moody, feeling, sensitive, supportive, intelligent. BLUE!

What Is Your Best Trait?

Generosity.
You have a very giving nature, and you think of others before yourself. You enjoy giving gifts even more than receiving them. You are a helping hand to anyone in need, and you not only give what resources you have, but you give your heart and your time. You are always looking out for the needs of others are very aware of others' problems, situations, and insecurities. You like to fill in the gaps with your love and kindness. That is what makes you such a great friend and companion.

What Kind Of Mask Do You Wear?
Pain
Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right.

What Is Your Inner Self?
You hide your emotion sometimes .You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are not happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to not burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has been dealt blows before . You tend to think about things a lot more than other people, and you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about consequences. You are also the type of person that others often come to with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely, your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely a lot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases.

What Do Your Eyes Say About You?
Happy
Your eyes are always smiling even if your not. You always seem to have a good attitude and can easily get along with everyone. You enjoy being around a lot of people and having a great time. You like going outiside to enjoy the sun and are in many different activities.

What Stereotype Do You Fit?
For some reason or another, you don't fit in with anyone. You're not smart enough to be a nerd, you look like a stoner but you don't smoke, Preps and Cheerleaders avoid you like the plague (or maybe it's the other way around) and you are incredibly socially awkward. You're an average person, you just don't like to talk to anyone for some reason. You keep to yourself, doing whatever hobbies you do, and probably like music, but it's a really weird kind of music.


Well, this is what boredom kinda does to you... And apparently I have alot of hidden emotions.. I took like 4 quizes and they all said I have hidden emotions.. -.-'

Suppressed Emotions?

I was going through Facebook and I saw this quiz called "What are you hiding from people?". So I was like what the heck, I'm bored and lets see what comes out.. And this comes out..

Emotions
You tend to laugh and joke around when you are with everyone, but you feel lonely and empty when are all alone. you cry alone when you have stress and problems. you often have many problems that are bugging you, but you never show them out on your face. you are not as cheerful as they thought, but you just don't wish to spoilt the mood of everyone, hence you hide your emotions inside. you are just a weak human with feelings after all.

Thinking about it made me realise that it is true.. I've tried to suppress and bottle up all my emotions.. Even if it kills me inside I never tell anyone.. I tell them what's going on but never how I really feel.. That's why I'm always emo because I want to think!! Sometimes all I need is to be alone and THINK!!

Right now, I feel like my heart's being strangled and I can't do anything to free it... Music is the only way that I can express how I'm feeling into something beautiful.. I guess my songs are okay but I gotta improve my singing voice cause it sounds really sucky when I replay it back on my comp..

Anyways, no particular reason why I wanted to post this and "acknowledge" the fact that I'm emo but just felt like updating my almost dying blog..

He Was Right There..

My 2nd poem/song.. Hahaha.. Yes I know its emo but I get inspiration from being emo so screw it.. But dun you ever tell me you've never been there before..

Is this how its suppose to feel?
Like your heart’s being torn apart.
The life seeping through your fingers,
As you watch him go.

He could’ve been everything,
If you told him that something.
But you couldn’t do it,
For you knew you would bleed.

He was right there in front of you,
All you had to do was reach out,
You missed you chance and
Now you’re left with regret.

You told yourself not to get too close,
But it was just too hard.
He’s your drug,
Just to block out the pain.
Just to block out the pain.

Chorus

You want more than anything
Just to be with him.
Just to be with himmmm...

All I Want Is..

All I want is to know what the hell I'm doing... Why has it affected me so much?? I just want to not have a care in the world.. Why can't I have that?? Why do I always have to worry about things that I could do better off without?? Does it all pay off in the end?? Caring about things I could do without??? I don't know anymore.. No one notices the pain.. I don't need any more criticism or condemnation.. I already have enough of that.. Sometimes I just want everyone to leave me alone so I know what I want to do and not what everyone else wants me to do.. Someone said that the most important thing is to follow your heart, but if your heart's not telling you anything but you know its not what the others are saying? What do you do then? Where do you go?

I could go on and on with the rhetorical questions. Some of that only I could answer. I NEED ANSWERS!!! Where do I find them?

What I really want more than anything in the world is to be free from EVERYTHING!!!! Just to feel free..

Random thought :
What am I supposed to say when I'm all chocked up and you're okay..

My first post

I have nothing to really blog about today..

I decided to change my blog because the URL is really emo but I dun wanna lose my old blog. Anyways, let me explain to you the meaning of my new URL..

Ineradicable means not being unable to be uprooted or removed easily. So my blog is where I put all the memories that will stay with me forever.

Now you know what my blog URL means..

Changed My URL

I've made another blog and will be using that from now on..

Please change my link.. Thanks!!

http://ineradicablememories.blogspot.com

My first composition..

I just finish composing my very first song!! OMG!!! Damn excited.. The lyrics are from the poem that me, Cherly and Ehsan did for English.. This is how it happened :

Boredom + Lyrics = Guitar + Melody = MY VERY FIRST SONG!!!

Being myself, I doubt it song will ever get out... So far only my sis has heard it and she said the melody's nice.. Lol..

Yay me!!